I spend a lot of times in airports. I tend to be in them at least once a week. And they bore me. So here’s some nonsense I like to do to occupy the time while waiting for my inevitably late flight to leave.
There’s something about being by your self in an airport that allows my mind to wander. You are rarely alone anywhere you sit. So I people watch for a while. I enjoy watching people getting pissed off. Whenever I have no control over a situation (like getting snowed in), I don’t gripe. I know it’s a useless waste of energy. Instead I like to concentrate on watching other people lose their minds. In fact, I like to facilitate the process.
I am by nature, a flirt. I can talk to anybody about anything when I feel like it. And for some reason I seem to attract a lot of losers who feel the need to vent. So I enjoy stirring up a little shit by playing mind games. I hate people who whine. Not sure why I do, but they just bother me. So I enjoy winding them up and making their life a little worse.
First of all, one must listen patiently and nod while listening to some stranger’s diatribe. I act like I actually care about their problems. This makes your fellow traveler comfortable and they actually will open up to you. This is important in my role playing scheme. Because I am about to take on the role of some imaginary person.. I find it amusing and great for killing time.
The whole time someone is ranting to me, I am trying to figure out the best persona I should adapt, to insure that I will make the conversation interesting. Like most seasoned travelers, I enjoy cocktails whenever possible and this is helpful in role playing because I can get loose…., and bold. My favorite persona is that of a pilot on an off day. But I often like to play a dying cancer victim as well. But these are different stories.
People love to bitch at airlines. So I like to fuel the fire. I let them go off for a while and wait for that inevitable question, “What do you do for a living?” Then I explain that I am actually a pilot for the exact airline they are flying today, but I’m off and trying to catch a flight home to some imaginary city. Then I start to tell them how the planes are always late because, well they are basically falling apart. I spin tales of constantly having to hand crank down the landing gear. People of high intelligence actually buy this. I then go on to tell them that the radar devices we use are just so faulty. I have narrowly missed over 50 mid air collisions just because these things are so flimsily made. And if only one person on my plane refuses to turn off their cell phone, the radar goes caddy wompus.
I will actually point at planes docked in their gate and show them some liquid that is noticeably dripping out of the wings. Of course I know it’s just water or some de icing fluid, but I instruct the suckers that this is actually the hydraulic fluid necessary to make the wing flaps work. Again I confirm the shabby state of today’s commercial fleet.
As the clincher, I like to remind them that I am not an alcoholic, but the majority of my colleagues are. I insist that they do not pilot the planes while drunk, but most of us need a couple shots of booze in the morning just to maintain an even keel for the day.
