In every business, there is a lot of scheming and plotting to get accounts. Presentations mean a lot. Not just the financial charts or 8-inch-by-10-inch glossy renderings of a stage, but of the presenter himself. Whether we like to admit it or not, lighting and set designers are salesman. And as we sell ourselves to any potential client there is one thing we must be able to deliver on demand without any hesitation whatsoever — BS.
I mean this in the best possible way. You have to be very confident of yourself in our world. If you say you can do something, you’d better be able to back it up. But the best laid plans…
In any show there are often unforeseen obstacles. On many gigs I do, there is no fudge factor. I’ve used up every dime and cannot obtain any more lighting gear because the cash is gone. At times like these, you must think fast. While I’m tackling whatever issue has come up, in the back of my mind I’m formulating a back-up plan, thinking about the best way to BS the client.
I know a few so called “designers” who can talk a mean game but can’t back it up. I’ve seen enough of their work. They suck. They make careers out of one-time customers. They hire artists to draw up beautiful pictures and they sell such amazing BS that they get the gig. But once they start programming, it is evident that they are lacking in talent. And then the chain of real BS starts.
You see, someone has hired this designer for an exorbitant fee and they can see that they have been lied to. This show will not look anything like what was promised to them but there is little they can do because they are now in the hot seat. Whoever hired them to find the right person for the gig will now be breathing down their neck. So they must explain that the show actually looks fantastic by pointing out whatever highlights they can and steer clear of the actual lighting until after the show. They are forced to be BS artists themselves.
I know a salesman in Los Angeles. He specializes in selling himself as a lighting designer. He couldn’t light a candle on a menorah to save his soul. But he gets some really good accounts — once. I sincerely doubt he’s ever had a repeat customer. No band has ever hired him twice and I’ve known this guy for 20 years. He gets by because his BS potential is unsurpassed by anyone I’ve ever met. This guy thinks he’s my friend, but I know better. What’s that old adage? Oh yeah. You can’t BS a BS’er.
My friend Kid Rock was at a party in Los Angeles recently. He called me on the phone and started laughing. I said, “What’s up?” I was surprised that he was calling me when he wasn’t on tour. He asked me if I knew this guy and if he’s my friend. I told him that I do indeed know him, but I think he’s a slimeball. Kid laughed and goes on to explain that this guy was saying that he’s known me forever and that we are good buds. But he also said that I suck as a lighting designer and he could do Kid justice on his next tour and should be hired immediately. The BS had now crossed the line. Now, whenever I get a chance, I will indeed explain to people that this salesman is a joke in our industry. What’s that saying? Oh yeah. Payback is a mother…
Last year I got hired to light a brick wall outside of a venue for a corporate party. The client wanted the exterior of the building to “glow in a bath of purple light.” No problem. My buddy and I decided to use some new high-dollar lighting fixtures that are supposed to be the brightest light available for this application. We fell for the manufacturer’s BS about lumens and rented a bunch of these fixtures.
But when the sun went down and I started programming, I soon realized that we had chosen the wrong fixture for this application. The lights would not zoom wide at all and were nowhere near as bright as the Syncrolites we should have rented. Instead of a big purple wall, I had 24 purple dots on a brick wall. It was time to turn on the BS.
I programmed a series of chases complete with movement, strobing, white light mixed with purple and a bunch of other tricks. When the client approached me I was on my game. I explained that the purple bricks were just plain boring. With all the CEOs arriving in a drizzle, who would even notice this wall? I explained that I thought we would be better off dazzling them for a few brief seconds than trying to get them to notice a purple wall as they exited their limos. The client totally agreed at this point and thanked me profusely for my design integrity and my ability to adapt and overcome.
Often enough, somewhere between a salesman fielding a call for a project and the crew pulling the pieces together, someone will screw up on their count. And the tech crew will get to the gig and soon realize that someone has dropped the ball, forgetting to relay some pertinent info to them. With any luck, the lighting vendor is in the same town and a few calls can rectify the situation. But if that’s not the case, someone must start the plan of attack to fix this while another starts thinking up BS.
A friend was doing an outdoor show last year that required him to illuminate 50 square panels of a building’s exterior. There was one Leko with a gobo image and one Leko with the company’s color designated to light each panel. When the crew got there they realized the salesman had really screwed up and there were actually 100 panels to light. They were missing half the gear to do the job correctly and there was no power available to double the amount of fixtures.
The crew chief quickly decided to alternate panels and light one with the corporate logo and every other one with the corporate color. He was able to throw light on all 100 panels this way. When the client came over with a confused look on her face, the LD was quick to point out certain design issues. “You see, if I focus the gobos right over the colored panels, nothing will stand out. I decided that it would look 100 times better if we simply put big blocks of color on every other panel and use just the patterns on the others. See how those colored squares just pop out at ya?” By maintaining a serious face, he got the client to agree with his line of BS. The gig was a huge success.
Yes, there is a lot of BS in every business, but maybe we have a disproportionate share. No BS. After all, I wouldn’t BS you, or would I?
