I truly love working as an automated lighting programmer. In fact, I often say that “show business is in my blood.” I have been driven by a strong passion to always do my best when I contribute my skills to a show. Furthermore, I was raised by my parents to find a career where the paycheck feels more like a bonus. I often forget that I am getting paid to wiggle lights or press buttons in front of a crowd.
Just the simple act of doing my job brings me great satisfaction. (Of course, getting paid is important to my livelihood, but it is not the main reason I am in this business.) Unfortunately there have been a few times when a gig stopped being fun.
When this occurs it is the result of many factors coming together against the greater good of the production and directly against me. No single event or person has ever caused me to change my attitude towards a gig. Usually lack of sleep and proper nutrition play a role. Thankfully, these are rare instances that have worked themselves out, and I have remained pleased with this industry and continue to work on productions that fuel my passion for lighting.
The Emotional Drain
Recently I was involved in a production where many factors came together to knock me down emotionally. The production was a success and everyone involved was happy in the end. No one was fired and the show went on. However, getting to the last day was an uphill climb. It was an unusual feeling and I truly was unsure how to deal with it in the moment. In the midst of the turmoil around and within me, I wrote some notes. Here is a portion:
“Right now I feel tired, frustrated, and I feel like I have lost all will to care about anything to do with my work here. I really don’t like how I feel in this moment. I really don’t want to be involved anymore. I now feel like I am working for the paycheck and not for the fun. That sucks. I feel beaten to a pulp and that my input, experience, and advice is ignored at every turn. I don’t have to be correct… I just want what is best for the show.”
The passion inside of me to create a great show had been alive and kicking throughout the pre-production. I had done all I could to ensure a top-notch production. Problems kept arising from every angle and anything I did or said was challenged due to politics or budget. Through it all, I continued programming and operating the lighting, as well as covering for many other production positions. But my passion had been nearly extinguished when I wrote that passage. It saddens me to think that I was driven to that level.
Speak Up
If you are working on a show and find yourself going down a similar path, the first thing you should do is to speak calmly with the production staff. It is easy to sit around and complain, but this never solves anything. Call a production meeting and calmly list the problems at hand. Explain that the production is in trouble and that you have reached the end of your rope. Ask for help in a calm manner and you will be surprised at the results. Too often people tend to let their emotions drive them and they begin yelling. Calmness is key. In this case, I called a meeting and I explained peacefully exactly what was going on, and we managed to solve many problems. Other members of the staff were then willing and able to help resolve problems that had existed for days.
Sensory Overload
Many years ago I learned to skydive and jumped out of an airplane at 11,000 feet. The moment I pushed off the wing and was free, my mind went nuts. My instructor said this is known as “sensory overload” because so many new inputs from the senses to the brain are occurring at the same time. I always liked that term. In early 2001, I had the opportunity to program the lighting for The Crystal Method with my friend Lawrence “Loz” Upton. We were given two weeks to pre-program the show in a small studio in Los Angeles. The complex electronic rhythms of their music provide many opportunities for interesting and detailed lighting. We were programming at the astonishing rate of about one hour of programming for each minute of a song. Their production was all about the light show, so all the lights were always focused out into the audience. We were tasked with overloading the senses of the audience during the show.
After about a week of working 14-hour days, Loz and I were bickering with each other like an old married couple. It became apparent that we had been in our own form of sensory overload, staring into bright flashing lights, avoiding the sunlight and the real world. So we turned off the rig and headed out to the beach. We spent the entire day soaking up the sun and sights and then had a relaxing meal. The next day we were refreshed and ready to go. We were able to program the rest of the show with a renewed sense of creativity and we both learned the value of taking a break.
Watch Out For Murphy
When frustration, sleep deprivation, emotional disruption and other negative influences strike, be on the lookout for Murphy’s Law — anything that can go wrong will go wrong. When we are in these states, it can be difficult to deal with Murphy. An LD who might be adept at dealing with a power outage at FOH could overreact if he is already had other negative influences on the show. In a normal emotional state, he would be able to recover with little impact on the show. However when he is already drained and beaten, he is likely to make further mistakes as he tries to recover from a new problem.
Be Aware
The key in all of this is to be aware of your own emotional state. There are millions of self-help books on this very subject because it’s not easy for us to do. If you practice becoming aware of your own internal feelings, it can be a huge help on your next production. Once you identify how the production is impacting you personally, then you can take action to correct it. Several LDs and programmers that have made the decision to walk away from a production in order to preserve their own emotional state. Once they realized that the conditions were harmful to their passion for the industry and internal emotional state, they chose to heal themselves by removing themselves from the negative environment. Their careers have then blossomed even further and their passion burned stronger than ever. I hope that I can do the same the next time I discover the fun has come to an end.
